hello, this is the lizard lady...
"If I could spend my day layed out on a hot rock I'd be in heaven...
cold blood and loving lizard life"
I have often described myself as a chameleon and I have used this really negatively in the past to kick myself about not being confident in who I am, and then I have got totally overwhelmed trying to define myself as a thing.
Although I can see that at times I can use ‘chameleoning' to my benefit, I can come away from meetings, presentations, events thinking- I hadn’t been who I wanted to be- but I have been who they wanted me to be- people pleasing- it’s exhausting!
This week, I have been around a few other chameleons, and wow- this helps! I know when I have found them because I stop planning every sentence in my head before I say it; I know I can say something out loud to hear it and then change my mind about it, or let it go; and the conversations jump about, and this is o.k. I seem to thrive in a chaotic conversation, my brain likes to jump about- and I often feel that this is not o.k in most places, and I have to work really hard to stay on a linear thought, so that we can be seen as productive and moving forward- which is what most people want. I think I achieve more when I am bouncing.
So to be more confident in who I am, I am now embracing my contradictory nature- I think I can be supportive and have difficult conversations, I can think wildly but also be decisive, I can be a fool and know my shit, I like to be in the background and out the front and I really can set my boundaries strong sometimes and I really really enjoy getting carried away.
This may mean that I don’t make sense all the time, and that is hard especially when I make mistakes and things go wrong. I really have to listen to myself and try and take in what others say about me- because there is a core that I think is consistent, and others can rely on.
This is where great back up in life is so needed- people who I can let go with, because I can’t feel shame with them or judged- but I can process, I can say and do anything. They will meet me how I am today and they will get alongside.
THE SHOOPERY - Where to go to let go.