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Some days you eat the bear, some days the bear eats you.
Is that an Eastern thing? Far from it dude.
So we all have good days and bad days; sometimes the ratio of it feels like it’s stacked against us and enough of those bad days takes its toll…
Bad days play with your head, get enough of them you’ll think you’re doing something wrong, that you’re the problem. Eventually you may get to thinking that you just aren’t good enough, for anything.
We’re all our own worst critic and our biggest saboteur. Stomping around with your heavy wooden shoes weighing us down (it’s a thing).
I’m in the murky beginnings of starting a company (hint; this is it, you’re reading a blog about it right now). I am in no position to be doing anything of the sort, who the frak am I? Yet because reasons, here I am telling the world about it and all of those creeping insecurities that are messing with my head every day.
Will it work? I haven’t got a clue. I suppose I’d have to rediscover some faith in myself before putting my faith into anything I try to achieve. But I’m still trying when all I want to do is give up and hide under a duvet, the comfort of not trying is calling out to me louder and louder. At the same time I want more and my head is in a constant battle with itself between wanting it
and feeling like I don’t deserve it.
Who’s to say I’ll ever achieve anything I want to achieve?
Some days I really wish a bear would come along and actually fucking eat me, there has to be worse ways to go surely?
I’ve been living through a disproportionate number of bad days, hoping that better ones are coming, hoping I’ll rediscover that high I used to get from them and from setting a goal and achieving it. It would be easier to give up and hide, eventually the lows sting less over time and even if that meant never getting those highs again surely that’s worth it if you don’t have to suffer through the pain of all those dark bad days. So why haven’t I?
Because I still want something more. I want to feel the highs again. So even if I don’t have any solid reasoning to think I’ll get them again I have to keep wanting and having blind faith that it could happen. I guess I’m jumping in – not knowing where it could lead. That’s what the Shoopery essentially is, pushing yourself into making the scary, sometimes irrational choice not always knowing what the outcome maybe.
But what the Hell am I supposed to do with that hungry bear in the meantime?
There’s no doubt a lot more bad days are to come, so who eats who today?
Maybe it’s time I started feeding the bear and letting him feed me.
Let the good days prop up the bad days and let the bad days make me feel the good days that much more.
- pip